Choices:Dreams

I’ve made choices in my life to live it for me
Live it for my friends and my family
To live it for God most importantly,
But to follow my dreams ultimately.
I will not be pressured, fooled, or coerced into being,
What society wants me to be,
What friends deem as important
but happen to be unimportant to me
I don’t want to be in relationship just to be in one
Which I’m watching some do,
Or to finally feel that needy void inside
And hear those “I love you’s.”
I will not be the girl desperate for a fairytale life
That she picks whomever to make her his wife.
I know that girl, she will never be me pushing for something
That doesn’t happen organically.
I believe in love, love of thy self,
Love of God before anything else.
I believe in pursuing what your heart has always longed for,
To fulfill your destiny, your personal legend,
And little more.
I’m on that path, of becoming who I want to be,
Making myself proud of me,
Waking up with a purpose,
A meaning, my truth,
That will only happen, if I spread my wings
And allow my dreams to actually come true.
So the questions of who are you dating and who are you seeing?
Will be answered with I’m dating myself and seeing god in all of the things that I do,
I’ve been given this time to strengthen the love for myself, and a vision of my destiny
Which, I’m pursuing happily.
Happiness, faith, and a great life will lead you to loves open doors,
For those concerned no need to question anymore.
My day will come, with a love so sweet,
It will be our destiny to one day meet.
Happiness is hard to attain,
Hard to maintain,
But I’m practicing it right now,
Practice makes perfect and it should be done so before those vows.
I’ve made a list of those things important to me,
And I can not strive for any of them until
I’m where I want to be.

Mr. President

I know that you probably get this email, these comments, from thousands maybe even millions of Americans everyday because no matter what we look like, what our educational background consist of, we are all struggling. I'm an African-American female that made it my duty to not rest on my laurels, I received a Bachelors Degree in Organizational Sociology from UC Davis in 2003 and more recently a Masters Degree in Mass Communications and Media Studies from Howard University in 2007. Almost two years later, I can not find suitable or permanent employment. I thought that higher education promised a brighter future? I thought that fortitude and hard-work opened up the door for a promising, yet challenging life? Isn't that what Republican's and more specifically White leaders and Politicians preach? This is not a race issue it's a people issue so I digress. No doors have opened for me, not even cracks for me to slide through. I just want to know, when will the young people, in my age group, the under 30's the under 35's get to enjoy a little bit of what our parents enjoyed after leaving college? We have left college so crippled in debt and having to accept jobs that we are grossly overqualified for, just to stop creditor harassment. Or in my case, I'm not even able to receive a job that I am grossly overqualified for because people my parents age and my grandparents age have had to swallow their pride and take the menial jobs. The types of jobs I am applying for are with companies that are looking for workers with specializations and years and years of experience. Well, if you are in your twenties, and a recent graduate, the years and years of experience does not exist. The point is, we are trying to take responsibility, which is why we went to school, held down jobs, interned and took out loans to receive jobs that would initially pay them off but that is not happening for us; yet we are still asked to keep our credit score high so we can buy a house, (not until we are 50 years old at this rate) get a job, (since companies feel as if good people ALWAYS pay their bills. Well good people would pay their bills if they had steady employment) and prepare for a brighter tomorrow. Well, I can't very well ask you for a job (although I will since I'm in desperate need of one and facing eviction) but I can ask you to please stop the cycle of suffering. Allow a grace period for people in financial straights were their credit isn't jeopardized when they are out of work. Make it so student loan debt is decreased for those that get a higher education. Those with higher education are a huge part of the contributing and motivated work force and a financial break for us means more people pursing skilled work and skilled education. Skilled education helps America as well as the world. We need a financial break and we need to stop being penalized for every miss step we make when in this type of economy it cannot be avoided. Please, I not only ask for myself, but I ask for all of us in the same boat. It doesn’t matter if you are White, Black, Latino, Asian, old, young, educated or non-educated or in between. My dad has worked in the car dealership industry for thirty years and was laid-off in 2007. He has yet to find a job. He has taught me the work ethic that I feel is so important. No matter what, do a great job and help other. He has a high school education and he is 60 years old. Do it for him because companies wont even give him a second look despite his years and years of experience. We need help. Thank You.

Curly

I don’t need a lot of friends,
Or that brand new benz
All I need is you
Curly haired little you
Brown skinned King
The star in all of my dreams
Talent unparalleled
You make me stop and smell the fresh air
Do I believe in happy endings,
Fantasies coming true?
I never did until the day I met you..

Time will Reveal...Love

Did I mean anything to you? Did you ever wonder what could have been? Do I sit here alone in my thoughts dreaming about you to know end? Is it an obsession, failure to move on or quest for something so real? Give me a sign that I was valued that our relationship was a big deal. Why does it have to be so hard, why not seize the day? There's know telling what will happen tomorrow, missing the chance to say all we have to say. There's a secret that I believe in and god that I trust, And there's a strong will within me that is certain that I must, Pray a little longer, Strive to be a better me, And allow you to go on your endless journey. If that means that our time was sweet but short and oh so meaningful, I'll keep those memories with me because they were remarkably beautiful. Time will reveal...

Officially missing you/The Meaning

I didn't think I did enough when I got the news. There was much more that I could have done. I should have gone by and saw him when I was home in May but I was tired and flying out in a few hours after that. Besides his voice, his words, his attitude alluded to the fact that he was getting better and there was plenty of time to hangout, catch up and do all of the things we said we were going to do when he got better. We'd talk all the time about his next entrepreneurial endeavors and his desire to travel along with his desire just to simply be a positive person and roll model to all those in his family that might be going down the wrong path. I'd talk about the trifling ways of Howard and how fed up I was with the schools archaic antics. He was always so positive and encouraging when I had moments with guys or other friends that had me questioning myself. I tried to remind him that to be a man in his twenties he was so mature and wise beyond his years.

When I met him around 2001, my family and I could tell he was special. He was manner able, smart, funny, well-spoken all of this for somebody who was still a teenager at the time. Our extended family became instant friends with him and so did my brother and I. We'd all go out to eat, little road trips and we all became close. When he and a member of our extended family fell out over something trivial my family and I still kept up with him because the falling out was of no fault of his own. Throughout the years we all tried to keep in touch. I ended up moving east in 2005, my brother was soon to follow so I made it a point to try and stay in contact with people who really brightened my day and he happened to be one of those people. It would always be some hilarious story about a co-worker at his barber shop or some girl he was dating or even a family member. I sat there and listened. I remember sometimes I couldn't talk to him all of the time because there seemed to be tons of stuff going on in his life and plenty of stuff going on in mine. I feel bad if I wasn't there for him enough in those instances. When I was back home I'd make it a point to go to his shop, or come by his apartment and watch a movie and just hang with him.

Being a Barber, he had to obviously use his hands and eyes and when those started to fade he obviously became scared not knowing what was going on. His vision would go in and out; he'd have horrible headaches and numbness on one side of his body. He and his family immediately went to UC Davis medical center where they diagnosed him with a brain tumor. He immediately started radiation treatment. When he told me this information I thought ok, well you caught it soon enough your going to be fine; you just turned 24 years old. When we talked during his treatment I tried to not talk about being sick but about other things that reminded him of happiness of laughter or anything other than inevitable. He had to let go of his apartment, his job and everything he worked for to move back in with his dad and step mother so that they could take care of him so he could get better. After talking with him just about every week he told me he lost about 50 lbs and how hard it was to put that kind of weight on and how easily it just fell off. He was spending more time with families and more time in church. All of our little conversations meant a lot to me and I hope that it allowed him to believe and hope that he would get better. I told him I wanted him to get better soon so we can take a trip to New York and god knows where else. I just wanted him out of Sacramento and thinking about the future because I wanted to believe for him that there was one.

He never sounded ill, or like he was giving up, he sounded like there was hope so I took his strength and his upbeat attitude as clues that he was getting better. I had lost his phone number after my phone was damaged. My brother tried calling him but that number had been disconnected. All I could do was wait, hoping he'd call so we could catch up. I hadn't talked to him since July and it was September. I kept asking my brother, “Have you talked to him?” I wondered what was going on. Just last week on September 11^th or 12^th I asked him this very question nagging him to try the number again. It wasn't until Sunday, September 14^th that I saw familiar yet foreign number on my cell phone and I had a feeling that it wasn't going to be a good conversation. He said, Amber? I said, "Yes, this is her." He said, "This is his dad. I was going through his phone and I realized you were one of his friends and I wanted to let you know that he passed away today." I pulled the car over because I felt like I was punched in the stomach. I asked him what? I knew what he said but I didn't think it could be possible even though I knew deep down it was. I didn't have the right words to say anything to a father that lost a son, especially a son like that. I just said, as tears streamed down my face, "how are you because I know that you were also ill?" He just said, "Amber, I'm just trying to get through loosing my son. I'm ok though thanks for asking." He said, "He gained an angel." He was one. I don’t remember much else of the conversation because it was so surreal. He was truly a rare and amazing man. It might be cliché to think that way about a loved one that has passed but he truly was a special person and I hope everyday that our time together meant something to him because it truly meant a lot to me. He was a true person and a true friend so incredible hard to come by. I can't believe we are not going to have our weekly talks anymore and I'm even more in shock that I won't see him again until it’s my time.

Are the amazing people taken to scare the rest of humanity straight? Are they taken to enlighten us to bring prospective to our lives? Are the bad people left on earth to try and get it right for their remaining days on earth? And what about the rest of the people here, the ones that try to do the right thing but sometimes fall short in their efforts? Is this life all a balancing act?

Why did he have to go? There are plenty of people living foul, treating people terribly or treating themselves poorly and they live well into their 70's yet my friend, somebody who wanted to be here and somebody who thought about what he did before he did it, as to not hurt people, was taken two and half months shy of his quarter century mark? Why? I can only say that when people like him leave us too soon they do it because their light is bright and is put to much better use in heaven. He was here to remind me and others that knew him that we have one life to live and we shouldn't squander it away with things that don't matter in the end. My life is not just my own anymore it is also his because I'm now doing things he couldn't do, so I'll be damned if I screw this life up. I'll be damned if I waste time on people who are not living according to god's way. Selfish, lying, hurtful people that are 30 + years old and act as if they wont have to answer to higher power when this short life is over with. My friend wasn't able to make it to 30 but he deserved to be here. I just wish more people were like him. I wish people would do better by each other and stop getting stuck on trivial things. I feel good knowing that I didn't turn my back on him and I hope he knew that I was here and I never stopped thinking and praying about him and for him.

--

Salt...Sweet

It feels like salt in a wound. Each time more is uttered more is told. So I pray. I'm glad that I have been given the gift to not whole grudges. To let go and let god. Have I made mistakes in my life? Absolutely. Can I control how people feel about me or interpret what I say? Absolutely not. But I know at the end of the day I am a good person who will do ANYTHING for true friends. Anything for family. My goal isn't to make people feel bad or make people feel like they are inferior. Most may already feel that way and any little criticism or comment turns into a personal attack. People would have done and said worse than the types of things I said that were not meant to belittle or hurt. Something like this should not have spiraled into this outcome. But I digress.

It's my dads 60th birthday. He is one of the few people that makes me feel good in every circumstance regardless of how bleak. He makes me feel like there is still hope and he does it in such a easy, quick and to the point way. I'm lucky.

I have genuine friends but one so true that it amazes me how far she would go to make things right. I'm happy to have her and I'm not sure what I'd do without her.

Life is sweet. Life is salty. I have realized that life is too short. It's too short to not live to your fullest to live in a constant state of fear and lies. Sieze the day, "Carpe Diem" go for what you want and what makes you happy. DO what makes you happy. I'm learning what makes me happy and who makes me happy but I'm also learning new things about myself and about people.

Anyways, this has become like a diary for me and I will continue to write and continue to pray...he will make it the way it is supposed to be and heal all those who let him in.

Present/Past/Present/Future

Present Day: All I want to be in life is happy, healthy and successful and to find somebody that also wants that for themselves as well as me. That seems rather easy doesn't it? Wrong. I finally felt as if I may have found somebody special in my life. Somebody that enjoys the same things I like, that has drive and determination that I do, and somebody that basically fits into my life nicely and adds to it. I had my first glimpse of this four years ago.

Past: I had a feeling when I first really looked at him and was around him that he was going to make an impact in my life. He was nothing like the rest. He wasn't tall, mixed (hey, I'm from California everybody is mixed), a gangsta, or banking on a rap career he was genuinely bright, talented, god and family oriented. I never thought guys like this existed in California, let alone Sacramento. We would talk on the phone all of the time. Sometimes so long that I'd realize it was time to get up to make it to work for my five am shift. We had amazing chemistry, the best laughs, and we had similar goals, beliefs and aspirations for each other. We never made a commitment to each other because neither of us was ready to do so. I had just gotten out of a relationship and he just wasn't ready. But I knew that I loved him from the moment we first saw each other. He seemed like a dream to me.

Those hot winter and summer nights went by fast with him. The butterflies in my stomach never truly went away when he was near. I adored his family and felt like part of it whenever I was around them. I don't remember ever feeling this good. It wasn't until I got the letter almost a year to the day of our first meeting that said 'Congratulations and Welcome to Howard University' that I realized that my life, our lives were going to change. He played it off like it was no big deal that I was leaving that things would remain the same. I thought, even though we aren't together nobody and I meant nobody could ever fill his shoes and I'd be committed to whatever we had even though I was 3,000 miles away.

I moved away, he continued his acting career in Sacramento but decided to take things to the next level and move to LA. I knew things would change once he moved. We still kept up with each other, although not as frequently. We exchanged gifts that Christmas. I still love what he got me. But things fizzled. I still felt strongly for him while he appeared to be preoccupied with his career and whatever else. Finally after being in DC for close to a year I poured my heart out to him to be met with a mere 'thanks' nothing at all reciprocated. I was crushed. Did nothing we had mean anything, I wondered? Was he acting the whole time? He felt intimidated by the fact that I was getting my Master's and he was still working on his Bachelors but I didn't care. He had more drive than half the guys with a degree.

It was a wrap for more that a year.

Then I was 'Ne-Yo-ed.' He writes me this long letter apologizing for everything that he has done to me and all of the things that may have affected me because of his behavior during Memorial weekend 2007. He pulled a Ne-Yo, you know "Do you ever, think of me anymore?" It was three years from our first meeting, one year from the time he trampled over my heart. I accepted his apology and we haven't spoken since. He knew how I felt for him and later I realized he felt very strongly for me too. But guys never truly realize what they have until its gone.

So I move on. Do I think about him still? Every now and then. I wonder what it would have been like had I stayed and never moved here. But that's not the end of trials and tribulations of my life.

Present: My second glimpse four years later. It's like having the wind knocked out of you. You feel like somebody is pulling a practical prank on you. Nobody could have told me this is how the outcome would have been. When we met I was definitely interested but I kept my interests sweetly tucked away, having given up on happiness for the moment. Then after seeing him repeatedly he asks me out. I think for a second because I feel like I already know whats going to happen before it actually does and I just didn't want anymore heartache. I eventually give him the number after a moment of thinking. We talk on the phone. I think, 'he's different.' Not quite sure if he's my type. He's got a personality, but is it a good one I ask myself? He's tall but is he tall enough I ask? I start questioning everything about me and him not living in the moment. I compare him to a ghost, something that had been dead for a while with the boy from Sacramento. After hanging out with him I finally realize he's great, he might be all of the things that I've been asking for and praying for but I just had a blindfold on never truly realizing it. My heart was lost from my past hurt and the minor cuts and bruises in between the two.

I loved hanging out with him. Going places with him and generally being around him. Everything about this situation felt good, fresh and new and although my Sacramento love meant a whole lot to me, this one felt like it was more of my speed. I felt completed by him rather than overwhelmed. I wanted to take things slow. While he wanted to take things to the next level very quickly. He admitted that he always moved quickly. I thought that is probably why things don't work for you. I was really interested in getting to know him, date him and progress more naturally rather than labeling ourselves than getting to know each other. He met my parents, grandparents, and friends. I NEVER introduce anybody to the people closest to me unless I believe things are progressing. I find that it is too embarrassing to have to explain where so-and-so is so I'd rather introduce people when I feel they are special.

My family liked him and my friends liked him. I wrote him a letter that was basically a tool to tell him how much I cared about him and that we are going slow because he's different than the rest but in a good way because the rest obviously didn't work.He took it to mean that he could never compete or never be good enough for me. From then on things changed. I asked him if he understood the letter and I told him that you know I still want to date you and that I think you are great and I love how we are progressing. We continued to hangout all of the time, make future plans, and natural progress towards a committed relationship...or so I thought.

Weeks after the letter was written and we were moving towards something he all of the sudden decides he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all. I supposedly shut him down WEEKS ago with the letter. If I shut him down why did nothing really change about our 'friendship?' Why was it business as usual? Why were our talks and plans similar to how they were before hand? How can somebody do such a 180 when they are so overly persistent before? How can you behave like things are moving towards something exclusive on Friday (when you say I meet crazy women. And you are only talking to me. But let's not forget how you felt a way that I was asked out twice in one night and you felt a way) but then on Monday you absolutely positively do not want a relationship? Being that we live in DC it makes me wonder if the 100 hundred year Anniversary of Alpha Kappa Alpha has made him along with the other men in the area loose there mind with all of the women around? Whatever it may be I just wish men, can stop hanging onto one thing and never let it go without ASKING the true intentions of it. I also wish people would do what they say and say what the mean. I'm asking men to man the F-up. Being a man doesn't mean whose got the biggest di*k it's whose got the balls to be true to themselves, God and other people.

Future: I have learned a lot from these experiences and I refuse to be bitter about them. That's what they want. They want women to be fragile bitter creatures acting and behaving crazy but I won't be that. I'm a lady and I will continue to carry myself as such. I know that they along with a few other's have missed out on real person. I think I will probably be more guarded with myself. The future is bright for me. I've never been one without a date on a Friday night but that becomes old. Getting to know somebody is a whole lot of work. I've got one person on my side that will never forsake me and I can't go wrong with that.

There will be more to come...