Salt...Sweet

It feels like salt in a wound. Each time more is uttered more is told. So I pray. I'm glad that I have been given the gift to not whole grudges. To let go and let god. Have I made mistakes in my life? Absolutely. Can I control how people feel about me or interpret what I say? Absolutely not. But I know at the end of the day I am a good person who will do ANYTHING for true friends. Anything for family. My goal isn't to make people feel bad or make people feel like they are inferior. Most may already feel that way and any little criticism or comment turns into a personal attack. People would have done and said worse than the types of things I said that were not meant to belittle or hurt. Something like this should not have spiraled into this outcome. But I digress.

It's my dads 60th birthday. He is one of the few people that makes me feel good in every circumstance regardless of how bleak. He makes me feel like there is still hope and he does it in such a easy, quick and to the point way. I'm lucky.

I have genuine friends but one so true that it amazes me how far she would go to make things right. I'm happy to have her and I'm not sure what I'd do without her.

Life is sweet. Life is salty. I have realized that life is too short. It's too short to not live to your fullest to live in a constant state of fear and lies. Sieze the day, "Carpe Diem" go for what you want and what makes you happy. DO what makes you happy. I'm learning what makes me happy and who makes me happy but I'm also learning new things about myself and about people.

Anyways, this has become like a diary for me and I will continue to write and continue to pray...he will make it the way it is supposed to be and heal all those who let him in.

Present/Past/Present/Future

Present Day: All I want to be in life is happy, healthy and successful and to find somebody that also wants that for themselves as well as me. That seems rather easy doesn't it? Wrong. I finally felt as if I may have found somebody special in my life. Somebody that enjoys the same things I like, that has drive and determination that I do, and somebody that basically fits into my life nicely and adds to it. I had my first glimpse of this four years ago.

Past: I had a feeling when I first really looked at him and was around him that he was going to make an impact in my life. He was nothing like the rest. He wasn't tall, mixed (hey, I'm from California everybody is mixed), a gangsta, or banking on a rap career he was genuinely bright, talented, god and family oriented. I never thought guys like this existed in California, let alone Sacramento. We would talk on the phone all of the time. Sometimes so long that I'd realize it was time to get up to make it to work for my five am shift. We had amazing chemistry, the best laughs, and we had similar goals, beliefs and aspirations for each other. We never made a commitment to each other because neither of us was ready to do so. I had just gotten out of a relationship and he just wasn't ready. But I knew that I loved him from the moment we first saw each other. He seemed like a dream to me.

Those hot winter and summer nights went by fast with him. The butterflies in my stomach never truly went away when he was near. I adored his family and felt like part of it whenever I was around them. I don't remember ever feeling this good. It wasn't until I got the letter almost a year to the day of our first meeting that said 'Congratulations and Welcome to Howard University' that I realized that my life, our lives were going to change. He played it off like it was no big deal that I was leaving that things would remain the same. I thought, even though we aren't together nobody and I meant nobody could ever fill his shoes and I'd be committed to whatever we had even though I was 3,000 miles away.

I moved away, he continued his acting career in Sacramento but decided to take things to the next level and move to LA. I knew things would change once he moved. We still kept up with each other, although not as frequently. We exchanged gifts that Christmas. I still love what he got me. But things fizzled. I still felt strongly for him while he appeared to be preoccupied with his career and whatever else. Finally after being in DC for close to a year I poured my heart out to him to be met with a mere 'thanks' nothing at all reciprocated. I was crushed. Did nothing we had mean anything, I wondered? Was he acting the whole time? He felt intimidated by the fact that I was getting my Master's and he was still working on his Bachelors but I didn't care. He had more drive than half the guys with a degree.

It was a wrap for more that a year.

Then I was 'Ne-Yo-ed.' He writes me this long letter apologizing for everything that he has done to me and all of the things that may have affected me because of his behavior during Memorial weekend 2007. He pulled a Ne-Yo, you know "Do you ever, think of me anymore?" It was three years from our first meeting, one year from the time he trampled over my heart. I accepted his apology and we haven't spoken since. He knew how I felt for him and later I realized he felt very strongly for me too. But guys never truly realize what they have until its gone.

So I move on. Do I think about him still? Every now and then. I wonder what it would have been like had I stayed and never moved here. But that's not the end of trials and tribulations of my life.

Present: My second glimpse four years later. It's like having the wind knocked out of you. You feel like somebody is pulling a practical prank on you. Nobody could have told me this is how the outcome would have been. When we met I was definitely interested but I kept my interests sweetly tucked away, having given up on happiness for the moment. Then after seeing him repeatedly he asks me out. I think for a second because I feel like I already know whats going to happen before it actually does and I just didn't want anymore heartache. I eventually give him the number after a moment of thinking. We talk on the phone. I think, 'he's different.' Not quite sure if he's my type. He's got a personality, but is it a good one I ask myself? He's tall but is he tall enough I ask? I start questioning everything about me and him not living in the moment. I compare him to a ghost, something that had been dead for a while with the boy from Sacramento. After hanging out with him I finally realize he's great, he might be all of the things that I've been asking for and praying for but I just had a blindfold on never truly realizing it. My heart was lost from my past hurt and the minor cuts and bruises in between the two.

I loved hanging out with him. Going places with him and generally being around him. Everything about this situation felt good, fresh and new and although my Sacramento love meant a whole lot to me, this one felt like it was more of my speed. I felt completed by him rather than overwhelmed. I wanted to take things slow. While he wanted to take things to the next level very quickly. He admitted that he always moved quickly. I thought that is probably why things don't work for you. I was really interested in getting to know him, date him and progress more naturally rather than labeling ourselves than getting to know each other. He met my parents, grandparents, and friends. I NEVER introduce anybody to the people closest to me unless I believe things are progressing. I find that it is too embarrassing to have to explain where so-and-so is so I'd rather introduce people when I feel they are special.

My family liked him and my friends liked him. I wrote him a letter that was basically a tool to tell him how much I cared about him and that we are going slow because he's different than the rest but in a good way because the rest obviously didn't work.He took it to mean that he could never compete or never be good enough for me. From then on things changed. I asked him if he understood the letter and I told him that you know I still want to date you and that I think you are great and I love how we are progressing. We continued to hangout all of the time, make future plans, and natural progress towards a committed relationship...or so I thought.

Weeks after the letter was written and we were moving towards something he all of the sudden decides he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all. I supposedly shut him down WEEKS ago with the letter. If I shut him down why did nothing really change about our 'friendship?' Why was it business as usual? Why were our talks and plans similar to how they were before hand? How can somebody do such a 180 when they are so overly persistent before? How can you behave like things are moving towards something exclusive on Friday (when you say I meet crazy women. And you are only talking to me. But let's not forget how you felt a way that I was asked out twice in one night and you felt a way) but then on Monday you absolutely positively do not want a relationship? Being that we live in DC it makes me wonder if the 100 hundred year Anniversary of Alpha Kappa Alpha has made him along with the other men in the area loose there mind with all of the women around? Whatever it may be I just wish men, can stop hanging onto one thing and never let it go without ASKING the true intentions of it. I also wish people would do what they say and say what the mean. I'm asking men to man the F-up. Being a man doesn't mean whose got the biggest di*k it's whose got the balls to be true to themselves, God and other people.

Future: I have learned a lot from these experiences and I refuse to be bitter about them. That's what they want. They want women to be fragile bitter creatures acting and behaving crazy but I won't be that. I'm a lady and I will continue to carry myself as such. I know that they along with a few other's have missed out on real person. I think I will probably be more guarded with myself. The future is bright for me. I've never been one without a date on a Friday night but that becomes old. Getting to know somebody is a whole lot of work. I've got one person on my side that will never forsake me and I can't go wrong with that.

There will be more to come...

F.O.S.

For those that don't know that acronym refers to somebody, and believe me there are plenty of you around, that is full of shit. I come across these people so often that I think i might be turning into one. A Liar, somebody so confused they don't know who they are or what they want. You know what kind of people I'm talking about. Well, my breaking point was a few months ago. People are so convoluted that most don't know their asses from bloody heads. My journey with the F.O.S. person started, of course many years ago but more recently it started with a British African fella who has more issues than Dr. Phil could ever diagnosis. A genuinely smart person with narcissistic qualities more so than Narcissus himself. The kind of person that has nothing or wants nothing to do with you if you are not presently doing for him. The kind of man that at the ripe, grown-ass age of 25 throws hissy-fits and tantrums when things are not going his way.

What kind of F.O.S. mess is that? Who raised this person? Owing people money, not paying huge debts, lying, everything that I can't stand about a person. Needless to say this person was and pretty much is a disease and until they get out of the state of denial they are living in that everybody else has the problem and that they are the perpetual victim things aren't going to improve for their life. He moved around creating and gaining new friends that know nothing of his ridiculous past until the jig is up and they realize that he constantly takes advantage of people. He's always fun in the beginning but they soon realize issues go deeper than they could ever imagine.

Despite all of this, I wish this person well. It may not seem like it but I think he genuinely wants to be a good person but for whatever emotional, sociological reasons he is unable to sustain it. I just wish he'd take the advice of people who genuinely cared for him as a friend instead of ignoring and denying their claims. Good Luck with that existence. Lets see how that river in Egypt treats you in the long run.