Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Officially missing you/The Meaning

I didn't think I did enough when I got the news. There was much more that I could have done. I should have gone by and saw him when I was home in May but I was tired and flying out in a few hours after that. Besides his voice, his words, his attitude alluded to the fact that he was getting better and there was plenty of time to hangout, catch up and do all of the things we said we were going to do when he got better. We'd talk all the time about his next entrepreneurial endeavors and his desire to travel along with his desire just to simply be a positive person and roll model to all those in his family that might be going down the wrong path. I'd talk about the trifling ways of Howard and how fed up I was with the schools archaic antics. He was always so positive and encouraging when I had moments with guys or other friends that had me questioning myself. I tried to remind him that to be a man in his twenties he was so mature and wise beyond his years.

When I met him around 2001, my family and I could tell he was special. He was manner able, smart, funny, well-spoken all of this for somebody who was still a teenager at the time. Our extended family became instant friends with him and so did my brother and I. We'd all go out to eat, little road trips and we all became close. When he and a member of our extended family fell out over something trivial my family and I still kept up with him because the falling out was of no fault of his own. Throughout the years we all tried to keep in touch. I ended up moving east in 2005, my brother was soon to follow so I made it a point to try and stay in contact with people who really brightened my day and he happened to be one of those people. It would always be some hilarious story about a co-worker at his barber shop or some girl he was dating or even a family member. I sat there and listened. I remember sometimes I couldn't talk to him all of the time because there seemed to be tons of stuff going on in his life and plenty of stuff going on in mine. I feel bad if I wasn't there for him enough in those instances. When I was back home I'd make it a point to go to his shop, or come by his apartment and watch a movie and just hang with him.

Being a Barber, he had to obviously use his hands and eyes and when those started to fade he obviously became scared not knowing what was going on. His vision would go in and out; he'd have horrible headaches and numbness on one side of his body. He and his family immediately went to UC Davis medical center where they diagnosed him with a brain tumor. He immediately started radiation treatment. When he told me this information I thought ok, well you caught it soon enough your going to be fine; you just turned 24 years old. When we talked during his treatment I tried to not talk about being sick but about other things that reminded him of happiness of laughter or anything other than inevitable. He had to let go of his apartment, his job and everything he worked for to move back in with his dad and step mother so that they could take care of him so he could get better. After talking with him just about every week he told me he lost about 50 lbs and how hard it was to put that kind of weight on and how easily it just fell off. He was spending more time with families and more time in church. All of our little conversations meant a lot to me and I hope that it allowed him to believe and hope that he would get better. I told him I wanted him to get better soon so we can take a trip to New York and god knows where else. I just wanted him out of Sacramento and thinking about the future because I wanted to believe for him that there was one.

He never sounded ill, or like he was giving up, he sounded like there was hope so I took his strength and his upbeat attitude as clues that he was getting better. I had lost his phone number after my phone was damaged. My brother tried calling him but that number had been disconnected. All I could do was wait, hoping he'd call so we could catch up. I hadn't talked to him since July and it was September. I kept asking my brother, “Have you talked to him?” I wondered what was going on. Just last week on September 11th or 12th I asked him this very question nagging him to try the number again. It wasn't until Sunday, September 14th that I saw familiar yet foreign number on my cell phone and I had a feeling that it wasn't going to be a good conversation. He said, Amber? I said, "Yes, this is her." He said, "This is his dad. I was going through his phone and I realized you were one of his friends and I wanted to let you know that he passed away today." I pulled the car over because I felt like I was punched in the stomach. I asked him what? I knew what he said but I didn't think it could be possible even though I knew deep down it was. I didn't have the right words to say anything to a father that lost a son, especially a son like that. I just said, as tears streamed down my face, "how are you because I know that you were also ill?" He just said, "Amber, I'm just trying to get through loosing my son. I'm ok though thanks for asking." He said, "He gained an angel." He was one. I don’t remember much else of the conversation because it was so surreal. He was truly a rare and amazing man. It might be cliché to think that way about a loved one that has passed but he truly was a special person and I hope everyday that our time together meant something to him because it truly meant a lot to me. He was a true person and a true friend so incredible hard to come by. I can't believe we are not going to have our weekly talks anymore and I'm even more in shock that I won't see him again until it’s my time.

Are the amazing people taken to scare the rest of humanity straight? Are they taken to enlighten us to bring prospective to our lives? Are the bad people left on earth to try and get it right for their remaining days on earth? And what about the rest of the people here, the ones that try to do the right thing but sometimes fall short in their efforts? Is this life all a balancing act?

Why did he have to go? There are plenty of people living foul, treating people terribly or treating themselves poorly and they live well into their 70's yet my friend, somebody who wanted to be here and somebody who thought about what he did before he did it, as to not hurt people, was taken two and half months shy of his quarter century mark? Why? I can only say that when people like him leave us too soon they do it because their light is bright and is put to much better use in heaven. He was here to remind me and others that knew him that we have one life to live and we shouldn't squander it away with things that don't matter in the end. My life is not just my own anymore it is also his because I'm now doing things he couldn't do, so I'll be damned if I screw this life up. I'll be damned if I waste time on people who are not living according to god's way. Selfish, lying, hurtful people that are 30 + years old and act as if they wont have to answer to higher power when this short life is over with. My friend wasn't able to make it to 30 but he deserved to be here. I just wish more people were like him. I wish people would do better by each other and stop getting stuck on trivial things. I feel good knowing that I didn't turn my back on him and I hope he knew that I was here and I never stopped thinking and praying about him and for him.



--

Friday, July 18, 2008

Salt...Sweet

It feels like salt in a wound. Each time more is uttered more is told. So I pray. I'm glad that I have been given the gift to not whole grudges. To let go and let god. Have I made mistakes in my life? Absolutely. Can I control how people feel about me or interpret what I say? Absolutely not. But I know at the end of the day I am a good person who will do ANYTHING for true friends. Anything for family. My goal isn't to make people feel bad or make people feel like they are inferior. Most may already feel that way and any little criticism or comment turns into a personal attack. People would have done and said worse than the types of things I said that were not meant to belittle or hurt. Something like this should not have spiraled into this outcome. But I digress.

It's my dads 60th birthday. He is one of the few people that makes me feel good in every circumstance regardless of how bleak. He makes me feel like there is still hope and he does it in such a easy, quick and to the point way. I'm lucky.

I have genuine friends but one so true that it amazes me how far she would go to make things right. I'm happy to have her and I'm not sure what I'd do without her.

Life is sweet. Life is salty. I have realized that life is too short. It's too short to not live to your fullest to live in a constant state of fear and lies. Sieze the day, "Carpe Diem" go for what you want and what makes you happy. DO what makes you happy. I'm learning what makes me happy and who makes me happy but I'm also learning new things about myself and about people.

Anyways, this has become like a diary for me and I will continue to write and continue to pray...he will make it the way it is supposed to be and heal all those who let him in.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Present/Past/Present/Future

Present Day: All I want to be in life is happy, healthy and successful and to find somebody that also wants that for themselves as well as me. That seems rather easy doesn't it? Wrong. I finally felt as if I may have found somebody special in my life. Somebody that enjoys the same things I like, that has drive and determination that I do, and somebody that basically fits into my life nicely and adds to it. I had my first glimpse of this four years ago.


Past: I had a feeling when I first really looked at him and was around him that he was going to make an impact in my life. He was nothing like the rest. He wasn't tall, mixed (hey, I'm from California everybody is mixed), a gangsta, or banking on a rap career he was genuinely bright, talented, god and family oriented. I never thought guys like this existed in California, let alone Sacramento. We would talk on the phone all of the time. Sometimes so long that I'd realize it was time to get up to make it to work for my five am shift. We had amazing chemistry, the best laughs, and we had similar goals, beliefs and aspirations for each other. We never made a commitment to each other because neither of us was ready to do so. I had just gotten out of a relationship and he just wasn't ready. But I knew that I loved him from the moment we first saw each other. He seemed like a dream to me.

Those hot winter and summer nights went by fast with him. The butterflies in my stomach never truly went away when he was near. I adored his family and felt like part of it whenever I was around them. I don't remember ever feeling this good. It wasn't until I got the letter almost a year to the day of our first meeting that said 'Congratulations and Welcome to Howard University' that I realized that my life, our lives were going to change. He played it off like it was no big deal that I was leaving that things would remain the same. I thought, even though we aren't together nobody and I meant nobody could ever fill his shoes and I'd be committed to whatever we had even though I was 3,000 miles away.

I moved away, he continued his acting career in Sacramento but decided to take things to the next level and move to LA. I knew things would change once he moved. We still kept up with each other, although not as frequently. We exchanged gifts that Christmas. I still love what he got me. But things fizzled. I still felt strongly for him while he appeared to be preoccupied with his career and whatever else. Finally after being in DC for close to a year I poured my heart out to him to be met with a mere 'thanks' nothing at all reciprocated. I was crushed. Did nothing we had mean anything, I wondered? Was he acting the whole time? He felt intimidated by the fact that I was getting my Master's and he was still working on his Bachelors but I didn't care. He had more drive than half the guys with a degree.

It was a wrap for more that a year.

Then I was 'Ne-Yo-ed.' He writes me this long letter apologizing for everything that he has done to me and all of the things that may have affected me because of his behavior during Memorial weekend 2007. He pulled a Ne-Yo, you know "Do you ever, think of me anymore?" It was three years from our first meeting, one year from the time he trampled over my heart. I accepted his apology and we haven't spoken since. He knew how I felt for him and later I realized he felt very strongly for me too. But guys never truly realize what they have until its gone.

So I move on. Do I think about him still? Every now and then. I wonder what it would have been like had I stayed and never moved here. But that's not the end of trials and tribulations of my life.

Present: My second glimpse four years later. It's like having the wind knocked out of you. You feel like somebody is pulling a practical prank on you. Nobody could have told me this is how the outcome would have been. When we met I was definitely interested but I kept my interests sweetly tucked away, having given up on happiness for the moment. Then after seeing him repeatedly he asks me out. I think for a second because I feel like I already know whats going to happen before it actually does and I just didn't want anymore heartache. I eventually give him the number after a moment of thinking. We talk on the phone. I think, 'he's different.' Not quite sure if he's my type. He's got a personality, but is it a good one I ask myself? He's tall but is he tall enough I ask? I start questioning everything about me and him not living in the moment. I compare him to a ghost, something that had been dead for a while with the boy from Sacramento. After hanging out with him I finally realize he's great, he might be all of the things that I've been asking for and praying for but I just had a blindfold on never truly realizing it. My heart was lost from my past hurt and the minor cuts and bruises in between the two.

I loved hanging out with him. Going places with him and generally being around him. Everything about this situation felt good, fresh and new and although my Sacramento love meant a whole lot to me, this one felt like it was more of my speed. I felt completed by him rather than overwhelmed. I wanted to take things slow. While he wanted to take things to the next level very quickly. He admitted that he always moved quickly. I thought that is probably why things don't work for you. I was really interested in getting to know him, date him and progress more naturally rather than labeling ourselves than getting to know each other. He met my parents, grandparents, and friends. I NEVER introduce anybody to the people closest to me unless I believe things are progressing. I find that it is too embarrassing to have to explain where so-and-so is so I'd rather introduce people when I feel they are special.

My family liked him and my friends liked him. I wrote him a letter that was basically a tool to tell him how much I cared about him and that we are going slow because he's different than the rest but in a good way because the rest obviously didn't work.He took it to mean that he could never compete or never be good enough for me. From then on things changed. I asked him if he understood the letter and I told him that you know I still want to date you and that I think you are great and I love how we are progressing. We continued to hangout all of the time, make future plans, and natural progress towards a committed relationship...or so I thought.

Weeks after the letter was written and we were moving towards something he all of the sudden decides he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all. I supposedly shut him down WEEKS ago with the letter. If I shut him down why did nothing really change about our 'friendship?' Why was it business as usual? Why were our talks and plans similar to how they were before hand? How can somebody do such a 180 when they are so overly persistent before? How can you behave like things are moving towards something exclusive on Friday (when you say I meet crazy women. And you are only talking to me. But let's not forget how you felt a way that I was asked out twice in one night and you felt a way) but then on Monday you absolutely positively do not want a relationship? Being that we live in DC it makes me wonder if the 100 hundred year Anniversary of Alpha Kappa Alpha has made him along with the other men in the area loose there mind with all of the women around? Whatever it may be I just wish men, can stop hanging onto one thing and never let it go without ASKING the true intentions of it. I also wish people would do what they say and say what the mean. I'm asking men to man the F-up. Being a man doesn't mean whose got the biggest di*k it's whose got the balls to be true to themselves, God and other people.

Future: I have learned a lot from these experiences and I refuse to be bitter about them. That's what they want. They want women to be fragile bitter creatures acting and behaving crazy but I won't be that. I'm a lady and I will continue to carry myself as such. I know that they along with a few other's have missed out on real person. I think I will probably be more guarded with myself. The future is bright for me. I've never been one without a date on a Friday night but that becomes old. Getting to know somebody is a whole lot of work. I've got one person on my side that will never forsake me and I can't go wrong with that.

There will be more to come...

F.O.S.

For those that don't know that acronym refers to somebody, and believe me there are plenty of you around, that is full of shit. I come across these people so often that I think i might be turning into one. A Liar, somebody so confused they don't know who they are or what they want. You know what kind of people I'm talking about. Well, my breaking point was a few months ago. People are so convoluted that most don't know their asses from bloody heads. My journey with the F.O.S. person started, of course many years ago but more recently it started with a British African fella who has more issues than Dr. Phil could ever diagnosis. A genuinely smart person with narcissistic qualities more so than Narcissus himself. The kind of person that has nothing or wants nothing to do with you if you are not presently doing for him. The kind of man that at the ripe, grown-ass age of 25 throws hissy-fits and tantrums when things are not going his way.

What kind of F.O.S. mess is that? Who raised this person? Owing people money, not paying huge debts, lying, everything that I can't stand about a person. Needless to say this person was and pretty much is a disease and until they get out of the state of denial they are living in that everybody else has the problem and that they are the perpetual victim things aren't going to improve for their life. He moved around creating and gaining new friends that know nothing of his ridiculous past until the jig is up and they realize that he constantly takes advantage of people. He's always fun in the beginning but they soon realize issues go deeper than they could ever imagine.

Despite all of this, I wish this person well. It may not seem like it but I think he genuinely wants to be a good person but for whatever emotional, sociological reasons he is unable to sustain it. I just wish he'd take the advice of people who genuinely cared for him as a friend instead of ignoring and denying their claims. Good Luck with that existence. Lets see how that river in Egypt treats you in the long run.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Too Gorgeous, Dude?

There are good men still around yes? no? Maybe so? What do they look like? Can a man who is overly good-looking truly, deeply be a good person? Most girls want that certain type of guy and most guys want that model chick but can somebody who has been showered with superficial attention there entire life truly be grounded and down to earth? How do we re-program our brains into wanting that average guy or girl because they are a good person over wanting the hot guy or girl? We are a media obssesed culture and we want that "prefect" looking specimen but i feel by placing such a high value on looks we are creating a narcissitic society full of self absorbed ass-holes. But on the other hand because I feel suspicious of the overly good looking man, I write him off as a player or a jerk, I may have messed up something decent with somebody....We will see what do ya'll think about this rant?

Black Man, Black Man

I had a conversation with a friend a few nights ago. The talk consisted of irratic manic-like talk about being done with dating. I have know interest, know desire to date at all. I haven't had bad experiences, I haven't even known really "bad" guys, I'm just fed up with Black men. All of them. In this blog I'm going to completly generalize all of you and lump you in the same category...so don't expect any slack from me here. Even my best friend...a 25 year old black man, a guy I have known since high school, he's just like the rest of you. He has somebody he loves and that loves him back but he refuses to just settle his monkey ass down and committ and be happy with her. Blackmen are always looking for the next best thing. There's got to be somebody else out there better then the one their with. Everything they do is led by their JOHNSON! Blackmen are so concerned with their image they want everybody to be jealous they want the next man to want what he has. Be it the throphy light skinned wife, (when you look at her in actuality doesn't look that great) the big house, fancy car, jewelry and so on. We live in a superficial society that is concerned with shit that's on the surface, one of which is superficial relationships with women. Purely sexual relationships are superficial, having and talking to many girls is superficial. This day and age blackmen don't seem to be concerned with the intricate, at times emotionally draining relationship with a "real black woman," with loving and deeply getting to know one woman, opening up completely without a second thought of who might be listening because don't forget you've got that image to uphold.

There are a lot of pretty girls out there but with a lot of shitty attitudes. The one good thing about my best friend is he doesn't do the typical black man thing and find ONLY the light-skinned girls diserable or beautiful. Just an observation but most of you guys walking around town, especially you cali dudes are usually with the lightest girl you can possible find. And the guys on here, most of you feature girls in your top 8 that are mostly light-skinned. Ya'll make me really sick I can't even lie. All of you there is not one that is getting in slack from me. I haven't met one black man that has proven my theory or who has exceeded my expectations. Even my dad who is the best black man I know still falls victim to some of the things that I'm starting to thing are systematically engrained in black men but nobody seems to be fighting it. And it's weird because I'm actually pretty happy because finals are over with but I woke up to a pretty shitty dream which spawned this rant and rave that I'm giving you guys.

So the things I said the other night about not dating anymore its not true If persued I will go on dates but they will be only for data collection and observation. My eyes will be open and I will be accepting those dates from "the others" this time around instead of waiting on a sorry brotha to talk a good game and then look for the next best thing in a few months time.

And know I don't think I'm the shit, I don't think that I'm better than anyone else I just felt it necessary to write down my experiences with black men and my thoughts on black men.

Where's Johnson?

OK, So my good friend is in a Human Sexuality class and they are required to do things that are out of the normal from their everyday lives. Be it a sex shop, be it a Drag show, or a gay bar or what have you and then write about the experience. She decides I'm not a porno whatcher what about watching a porno. So I look at hereand say, "Where does one get a porno?" She says, "good question." Being that we live in the District I can't imagine that there'd be a scarcity of nasty shops around here but nonetheless it is out of the ordinary for us so we don't particularly know where to go. Then I say," What about that on demand mess that we have, there's got to be some hot sex on there" (I'm sure I said something witty and funny like that but look I'm leaving room for a little poetic license). So she says, "Your right, your right." So I begin to search through the Adult entertainment section just to see what was the funniest title so we could at least get a good laugh out of it. There was, Cheating Housewives, Bush Hunter, Come to Drink of It (My personal fav title), Cheeks up Face Down (You've got to love the Ode to Ass Sex), Fire On The Hole, and of course Meet the Fokkers just to name a few but the title that really gave us a good laugh was our choice, My First Brotha. We thought this is going to be filled with knee slapping jungle fever action that was sure to please both of our funny bones. So we put the Flick on and of course the first thing you see are discustingly sweaty and unattractive white women and hideous black men. The makings of a hilarious cinematic experience. But half way through the shit we realized where is the JOHNSON? They focused solely on the white women. The only thing we saw were their faces, asses and tits! What kind of mess is this. I don't watch pornos, I think there pointless but the time that I do watch one, and honestly for strictly educational purposes, ITS A BUST! If I wanted to see tits I'd look down...but when paying 11.99 I want to see Johnson. What good is a porno without the Johnson?